Dos and don'ts...

As much as you like the theatre, fellow thespians and the warm glow of a well aimed Fresnel you are not always going to like the show. Maybe the set is frighteningly unstable or your arse is more numb than the actor’s facial expression or the script is about as exciting as the opening spiel of a telemarketer or that actor is just too darn pretty to be playing a brute. Whatever it is, unless you’re sat at the back, near the door, in a rather large theatre and have no shame, well, you aren’t going anywhere and there’s nothing you can do about it. So in case you need a hand to keep yourself awake, to cease the mind numbing ache of monotonous tones or to stop yourself from screaming, here are a few things you can DO.

1 - Got a pad and paper? – write that play you’ve always thought about. The incessant notes will intrigue your neighbours, who will surely make others aware of your talents and word of mouth will surely ensure your debut is an instant West End hit, despite being a musical about a postman.

2 - Check out your surrounding fellow theatre goers’ concentration faces. Enjoy.

3 - Imagine the gorgeous lead naked on a bed of silk with a certain look in his/her eye... – add secret fetish here - ... leave with a satisfied naughty smirk that none of the other equally disappointed patrons can comprehend.

4 – Got hair? – plait it. Unplait it. Put it in a bun. Now a high bun. Undo the bun and attempt a French plait. Repeat. The concentration will amuse the people around you and you’ll get a subconscious arm work out. Not got hair? Plait the person’s hair in front of you.

5 – Imagine yourself in all the roles. Appreciate the irony of the fact you’re pretty sure you could quite possibly make it worse.

Here’s a few things you DON’T do.

1 – Start singing along with the songs. Whether they’re part of the show or just in your head it’s quite inappropriate, will get you nowhere with the ladies and, most importantly, it will distract the critics from the mess.

2 – Make a phone call. Only bastards make or answer calls in a theatre or cinema. Even if the film does feature Jennifer Lopez. Are you a bastard?

3 – Instigate a game of musical chairs during set changes.

4 – Get your iPad out. Especially to play Angry Birds. This is one of two examples on these two lists that I’ve actually seen occur.

I rarely see a bad show and this column is meant almost entirely in jest.